Category Archives: Filk

Filk: “One Ring to Rule Them All”

One Ring to Rule Them All
ttto of Glee ballad version of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”
(all because of a misheard lyric)

I stare out from the middle of the night
My wizard says, “I rule all of Middle Earth life”
Well, Sarumon, your time is done
My ring, to rule them all
One ring, to…

Saw my ring in the middle of the night
That wizard says, “Keep the palantir out of sight?”
Well, Gandalf dear, you’re an unfortunate one
My ring, will rule them all
One ring, to…

That’s all I really want…
That one ring, to rule them all

Hobbit inherits my ring of gold
Oh, and he’s hid it away from the rest of the world
except me, I am the burning Eye of Sauron
One Eye, to rule them all
One Eye, to…

That’s all I really want…
That one ring, to rule them all

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Filk: Alternate Lyrics to “The Scotsman”

Well a scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one fine dark night,
and one could tell by how he walked that he’d drank a fair good mite.
He fumbled ’round until he could no longer stand so well
and he stumbled off into the grass to rest there for a spell.

Chorus: Ring ding didde diddle i-de-oh, ring di diddley i-oh
He stumbled off into the grass to rest there for a spell.

Later on, two young and pretty girls came strolling by
and the one said to the other with a sparkle in her eye,
“See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built,
I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath their kilts!”

Chorus: Ring ding diddle diddle i-de-oh, ring di diddley i-oh
“I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath their kilts!”

They crept up on the sleeping Scotsman quiet as can be
and tried to lift his kilt about an inch (or two or three).
The Scotsman woke, bolted upright from his bed of leaves and dirt
and flung his back against a tree there growing from the turf.

Chorus: Ring ding diddle diddle i-de-oh, ring di diddley i-oh
and flung his back against a tree there growing from the turf.

He sputtered for a moment then he said “What have you done?
If you were me and I were you this would be just as wrong
If I, perchance, happed on a woman, drunk and sleeping fast
and lifted up that stranger’s skirt, I’d land in jail right fast.”

Chorus: Ring ding diddle diddle i-de-oh, ring di diddley i-oh
“and lifted up that stranger’s skirt, I’d land in jail fast.”

Those young and silly women hadn’t thought of what this meant
They stood there speechless as he said “It’s a matter of consent.”
And in small and startled voices they then both apologized,
for ignorance and double standards are seldom ever wise.

Chorus: Ring ding diddle diddle i-de-oh, ring di diddley i-oh
for ignorance and double standards are seldom ever wise.

Filk: “The Ballad of Baubo Baggins”, ttto “Ballad of Bilbo Baggins”, as sung by Leonard Nimoy

Original prompt, by a friend elsenet: “Trippy filk cross: The Ballad of Baubo Baggins. Someone needs to write it!”

Originally published in a private Facebook group, by me.

In the middle of Eleusis tending royal hearth fire
lived a bold elder goddess whom we all admire.
With a face up above
and a smile down below,
she told a bawdy joke and now Thundercunts know her as

Baubo! (Baubo!) Baubo Baggins,
she’s saving us from the Fall!
Baubo! (Baubo!) Baubo Baggins,
the bravest elder goddess of them all.

Now Baubo is a ancient goddess you know,
she’s down to earth and funny and befriends Doso.
She didn’t care to travel very far from home.
She cared for the family and had been left alone.
But one day Baubo was asked to go
to the well for some water to bring back and so
she found a woman crying, lost and cold
whose daughter had been stolen to the underworld.

Baubo! (Baubo!) Baubo Baggins,
she’s saving us from the Fall!
Baubo! (Baubo!) Baubo Baggins,
the bravest elder goddess of them all.

Well she brought home the Queen,
and brought Doso too!
She welcomed the new lady
but said “I’m watching you.”
She called out for help
kept the kid from flame
and Doso then revealed herself for who she was

Baubo! (Baubo!) Baubo Baggins,
the bravest elder goddess of them all.
Baubo! (Baubo!) Baubo Baggins,
the bravest elder goddess of them all.

Now Demeter (with help) lifted the blight so dire,
and returned to the Earth the warmth of Sun’s bright fire.
Her daughter is a queen of a realm deep and cold
And everything is changing, thus the story’s told…

Baubo! (Baubo!) Baubo Baggins,
she’s saving us from the Fall!
Baubo! (Baubo!) Baubo Baggins,
the bravest elder goddess of them all.

Original Lyrics
Video of original song

Filk: “The Lost Girl Connection”, ttto “The Rainbow Connection” as sung by Kermit the Frog

“He that will not sail until all dangers are over, will never put to sea.”
~Thomas Fuller

Why are there so many songs about pirates
and what gets brought in with the tide?
Pirates are fiction, and only delusions,
and grownups have childhoods to hide.
So I’ve been told and some choose to believe it.
I know there’s more, wait and see.
Someday I’ll find it, the Lost Girl connection.
It’s the LGPA for me.

Who said that wishes will never be granted
when wished on the righthand star?
Someone thought of that and many believed it.
Look what it’s done so far.
What’s so entrancing it keeps us from dancing
in the rain at age thirty three?
Someday I’ll find it, the Lost Girl connection.
It’s the LGPA for me.

All my life under a spell. I know that it’s seems kind of tragic.

I have been half asleep, and I have heard voices.
I’ve heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young at heart?
The voice might be one
and the same.
I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it.
It’s something that I’m supposed to be.
I think that I’ve found it, the Lost Girl connection.
It’s the LGPA for me.

I know that I’ve found it, the Lost Girl connection.
It’s the LGPA for me.

[Edit] It’s appropriate that this is my 42nd post on this blog.

Someone Else’s Filk: Baby Got Books, ttto Baby Got Back, by Jim Hines

http://jimhines.livejournal.com/591660.html

Filk: Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie CETAGANDA Snippet Thingy

ttto “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini”, by Brian Hyland
Spoilers for CETAGANDA, a book from the Vorkosigan Saga by Lois McMasters Bujold

~
~

She was afraid to stagnate Cetaganda
And she was the Celestial Lady,
She was afraid to stagnate Cetaganda
Told the Consorts the plan she did see.
(2, 3, 4, tell the people what it’s for!)

It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie haut race genebank rod-shaped thingy
That she swore to have copied eight ways.
An itsy bitsy teenie weenie haut race genebank rod-shaped thingy,
And so her servitor took it away!
(2, 3, 4, that was cool, but wait! There’s more!)

It was afraid to come out to the dock bay,
But it knew just what it had come for.
It was afraid to come out to the dock bay,
And Miles wondered what it panicked for.
(2, 3, 4, some Cetagandan wants a war!)

It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie ill-disguised Ba servant thingy,
That touched a lump in its breast pocket grey.
An itsy bitsy teenie weenie ill-disguised Ba servant thingy,
And so the envoys got carried away.
(2, 3, 4, tell the people about the Vor!)

Now, Miles then yelled to Ivan a warning,
The Ba Lura then knew it would pay.
Miles then yelled to Ivan a warning,
And a weapon Ivan knocked away.
(2, 3, 4, tell us what the weapon’s for!)

It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie nerve disrupter weapon thingy
That the Ba Lura was packing today
an itsy bity teeny weenie nerve disrupter weapon thingy
But Miles snatched it and took it away.

Cetaganda to the dock bay,
From the dock bay to the Vor
From the Vor back to its master,
Read the book to find out more.

Filk: Dryads…Harmless?

ttto “Dryad’s Promise” by Betsy Tinney

(I wrote this in the Rotten Apple filk at Contata 6 this year)

Now, most Scottish dryads only want sun and water,
They cling to tradition like leeches to knees,
knowing their oak cousins deep in the wetlands
are distilling the best of whiskeys.

They sing
“No, you sisters mine, no,
no, please give back all the wet forest floor,
for these loamy distillings are nothing but spirits,
and our grandmothers’ trees deserve more.”

Sometimes, at new moon, they open their tavern,
their oldest of barrels are then newly cracked,
when the travelers came, you can see them all drinking,
the barmaids fill glass after glass,

Crying, “Ho, you customers, ho!
Don’t drink the swill served in town anymore,
for our grandmothers’ trees bring rare life to our barrels,
and you’ll learn to like dryad scotch more.”

Warned are the locals about the oak’s daughters,
of seasons and centuries of this long line,
when oak forest swampland runs red with the slaughter,
the drinks are on sale, you will find.

Whispering
“Grow, you peat bog moss, grow
each of the ones we’ve interred, you will find
in tasting our whiskey, the deepest of flavors
will ever bring dead Scots to mind.”

In back of the tavern, surrounded by oak trees,
they tower there, silent, majestic, and strong
and the ghost of a customer, in grave not-so-shallow,
brings news that chills to the bone,

Moaning,
“Go, you vagabonds, go!
Do not tarry here lest they keep you behind!
Though it may seem like gifts when they give you some free ones,
I still cannot leave here, I find,
no, that taste in the scotch, it is mine!”

Filk: Battle of Serenity

Battle of Serenity
ttto Foggy Dew (traditional)

As down the slope one bloody night
in a battle fierce rode I
There armed lines
of fighting men
in uniforms passed me by

No help would come
not even some
and we knew we could not flee
And the Alliance bell
Brought us into hell
at the battle of Serenity

Right proudly in our coats of brown
We’d hung out the flag of war
‘Twas better to die
freely in the sky
than as chattel or Alliance whores.

And in great pain
Falling blood like rain
We fought to gain the valley
While the Allied ones
with their blazing guns
shot us down at Serenity

Twas Alliance bade our free wills go
that an empire could be born
Not a one could abide
Tyranny so wide
Still surrendered that dreadful morn

Oh, had I died
by my sargeant’s side
Where I’m now I’d never be
Their names I will keep
Where my comrades sleep
in the valley of Serenity

But the brave who fell
Their tales we tell
As though our fallen were here
The browncoats who died
Still lay far and wide
In my memory these long, long years

And the worlds did gaze
in a wounded haze
at their kin they could no longer see
They had gone to fight
to keep freedom’s light
Alive down in Serenity

In my thoughts I return
To where Hera burned
my heart with grief is sore
For we parted back then
With valiant men
And women who we won’t see more

But to and fro
in our ship we go
and here in the black we’re free!
The war is done
And though we never won
We found our Serenity

Filk: Mal’s Opportuneers

Ttto “Barrett’s Privateers”, by Stan Rogers

It’s a year before twenty five eighteen,
(And we’ve gotta get to Whitefall now!)
A bundle of marked bars of protein
We’ve salvaged and loaded on Serenity
Let’s go, dong-ma?
I was told we’d lose our pay and the Alliance might
impound our ship, or so I fear!
Now I have spoken, and we’re gonna get clear
And fast, for we’re opportuneers!

(I was trying to work out something with crocheteers, but it morphed.)

(This spawned off an email on the filk list I’m on.)

Filk: Goin’ To Contata

Ttto “Hakuna Matata”, from Disney’s THE LION KING, music by Elton John, lyrics by Tim Rice, filk lyrics by me.

I’m goin’ to Contata,
what a wonderful place!
I’m goin’ to Contata,
seein’ many a smilin’ face!

It means more filking
For at least a few days!
It’s a workplace free activity!
I’m goin’ to Contata!